It is never easy to understand one's own emotion but it would be even more upsetting if one can't learn from the past experiences.
And I do notice that I am going through phases of emotional up and downs, having a relationship is not easy. A lot of time I wonder if I would handle it better if I have not spending so much time studying, practising, immersing myself in music and my own world. Other people seem to understand what to do and say and react in a relationship so much better and not being so bothered by emotional swaps.
However I do notice that at time when I'm upset with something apparently "about the other", more likely it is an reflection of me feeling upset with myself. The latest experience I felt was not being treated nice is quite good as an example. I notice that the words we're saying and using is getting more and more like those my parents are using at worse situations. Exact what I really don't want to do but was doing it without evening thinking.
The other problem I often have is that I'm expecting too much from myself. When I realise that I'm not 'as generous' or 'as kind' as I wanted, I actually get so upset and blame myself for not being 'as good' as I can. Is that partly of the education I had since youth or the general expectation of a female that causes such an expectation? It can't be answered, but I do found that not getting over the fact that I could get angry and say horrible things (and such may not even be considered horrible from others) will make me very depressed. That, does not help anything at all.
Why do people tend to always treat the people closest to us the worst? I don't know. People use sweet words to others not yet so close, to pleasing them, to comfort them, to avoiding them disliking or getting upset.
The words one use may become such a devastation under the influence from anger and I know just how much damage it can make. I tried not to but the more conscious I'm with this situation, the more upset I get if I lose control, then things turn into a negative spin of thoughts and situation get even worse.
The practice actually is better taking place when I'm at a steady and happy status, so if situation does goes to the stressful direction, I would remember what to do. Also while I'm at a happier metal status, I feel more confident and remember that I've been loved by so many people, therefore I've more control over my fear to the insecurity.
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